I am Afraid of Sex

Here I am, basically a year into transition. It’s tough to pinpoint a beginning point, there are lots of firsts that have happened, but it is not a stretch to call it about a year. In this year I have been in almost constant wonder at all the things I have discovered, and uncovered, and recovered during this transition to living my true self. One of the most surreal elements to this change is trying to come to terms with my changing sexuality in many dimensions.

When I was under the influence of testosterone, I had a very insistent libido. I pretty much constantly was thinking about sex. Included in that were the physiological responses to those thoughts, namely physiological arousal. This was enjoyable in many cases. But also, it was dysphoric, as spontaneous erections often struck me as annoying, improper and a much too insistent reminder of masculinity.

Sex was enjoyable, very much so, up to a point. I loved foreplay. Kissing and cuddling, petting and playfulness, really anything and everything up to penetrative sex. Well, that and receiving oral. Mostly I really disliked anything that really brought my attention to the fact I had a penis and that I was expected to use it. I have had successful ‘straight’ sex, and have done so often. This is not an essay saying sex was always horrible, I cannot say that because it just isn’t true. What I can say is that it has always been a little stressful, a little scary and often distressing and I lay much of that at the feet of unrecognized genital dysphoria.

Beyond the genital dysphoria, there was also the psychological difficulty of being a trans woman resisting the realization of that fact and constantly being afraid of being seen as ‘not man enough’ through failure to ‘successfully’ show their partner in sex a good time.

Yes, that is as much of a mess as it looks in writing. Toxic masculinity teaches boys that they have to be gods in the sack. While trying to not be detected as gender variant in any way, I internalized that and really tried to live up to that to a wholly unrealistic and self-defeating extent. I stressed over how good I was being for my partner, I ignored some amount of my own pleasure in the act to ensure my partner’s pleasure, and worst of all, I needed my partner to reach climax. All this stress and dysphoria ended up in causing frequent sexual dysfunction.

I would lose an erection before penetrative sex could begin. If I got past that, I would usually last mere moments before ejaculation and loss of erection. And, if I somehow avoided those pitfalls, then things went pretty well and I had an ultimately fully enjoyable experience. But then the fear came again and I would desire reassurance that it was good sex.

This pattern was highly partner dependent. I have had a very few partners that I have connected with well, and who fitted me so well, that the dysphoria and anxiety receded to an extent that I could get out of my head and just experience a sharing of physical connection. Some were also so complimentary and comfortable to be with, that I would even find occasional pleasure receiving oral. My wife was and is definitely one of those partners.

But, despite all the bad, I still had good sexy times. And, I was good at finding pleasure in the act whenever it was possible, and at helping my partners find their own. When I was alone and horny, (a lot… thanks testosterone /s) I knew how to pleasure myself. I knew what worked physically, and mentally, to get me to where I wanted to go. I had my places to touch, I knew my erogenous zones. I had my fantasies and imaginative scenarios, I knew what turned me on and kept me revving.

And then I couldn’t continue to be the person I was pretending to be anymore.
I had to transition.

And now, I don’t know any of those things anymore.

When I started HRT, my libido cratered. I went from thinking about sex and sexy things pretty much minute to minute. In less than a week it was no more than a dry academic thought that maybe flitted across my mind once a week. It has slowly come back some, but not so very much. The loss of spontaneous erections and nocturnal emissions was wholly welcomed by me. No longer was I constantly being reminded of that bit of me that I never really liked and often quite despised. I had calm, and comfort and happiness…

But I only knew how to use it in ‘traditional’ ways. So when I had a good day, and felt really pretty and a little sexy, I tried to pleasure myself in the old way. It didn’t work, but I tried another way, and I figured it out. I reached climax.

But then I didn’t know anything else. And it’s scaring me.

I don’t know what works.

I have found one way, and it has worked once out of two times. This is the NSFW part.

If I wear a tight pair of panties so my penis is tucked down and tight to my body, and rub the head of my penis imagining it is a clitoris, it physically feels good and mentally it feels right. The first time I did this, everything was new and I was very happy I had made the discovery and I thought I had begun to figure out the new ways in which I now worked. It was earth shatteringly good. But then a few months later I tried again.

This time I put on some sexy lingerie and tried to get into a good head-space, but I couldn’t find something, some fantasy or scenario, that I could latch onto. Before transition, it was no problem to come up with a story and play it out in my mind’s eye as I physically did what I had to do to reach climax. This time I had nothing, my mind was blank.

Finally I just did the mechanical work of getting off, and I did, but it was awful. It definitely was nothing like what women describe as orgasm, and it was a pale comparison to what I experienced under testosterone. It was a moment of release and then… nothing. No afterglow, no joyful exhaustion, nothing. And now I am afraid to go further.

I will, though. I know it. I am not content as an asexual person. But I don’t know how and I don’t know where to go to find that information, to find things to try. My therapist has suggested to me that before I go through with GCS, I should try to experience sex in my true gender but before I change the shape of my body. She supports my choice that I need GCS to be complete and correct, she just thinks sex while I still have my penis would be a good diagnostic to give me more information about myself. It isn’t a bad idea, but how can I do that when I can’t even find the way to figure things out on my own? I figured it out as a stupid adolescent, but I don’t know if I can do it again, now.

And I know, “what, two times and that’s it? Things are complex, you can’t give up.” I do know that, but I am talking about fear, not reality. As I said, I will keep trying. And who knows, maybe exploring with the help of another person would be helpful. If it can be play, and exploring, and cooperation, then maybe it would be many times better than me alone. But how can I subject another person to the chance that it would be no better, and maybe even worse than what has happened so far.

What if the old anxieties and the new anxieties merged to something multiple times worse? I know I hurt relationships in the past because of my need to know it was good for my partner and beating myself up if I perceived it was not. I often turned a fun time into a stressful one for them, and I can’t blame them for not wanting to continue subjecting themselves to that. That is likely most of what ruined most of my sexual relationships in the past. How do I try to start a new, or rekindle an old, sexual relationship with that hanging over my head?

So, for now, I will just think about things. I will try to find ways to find my erogenous zones again. I will give myself some time and a little kindness and maybe find some hope. And maybe, I will get to where I’d like to be, with a lot less fear of sex. And then… More sex!