The Journey So Far...

I started chatting with a person on a dating site.  And they really aligned with a lot of what I am looking for... if I can be said to be looking for anything.  Generally, I don't look, for many reasons that could be a post of their own. What I do is make connections wherever I can, and if something blossoms that is great! But this woman, she started pretty good.  Sure there were some small misconnects, but we acknowledged them and discussed them.  I was willing to continue talking and see if there could be a connection. As the discussion proceeded over the weeks, I noticed that I was getting very into her.  All her professed wants and beliefs in a relationship were matching mine.  Her hobbies and likes also matched. But then came the yellow flags.. Little things that just didn't add up.  Turns of phrase that didn't match their history, and avoidance of any contact but messenger, professions of compatibility with no way to know the truth of them, professions of beauty that

This one is going to be a rollercoaster, and probably not a fun one?  I don’t even know what to title it.  What I used is probably inadequate. CW: Sex talk, Sex while Trans, Maybe some internalized Transphobia, GCS, anatomy So, I had an absolutely amazing sexual encounter.  I really would love to experience something like that again.  I mean, holy shit…  But now I hate the existence of my penis even more than I have for quite a while. Let me explain. I have been actively afraid of creating connections with women because I was absolutely terrified of how I expected sex to go.  I have quite a bit of genital dysphoria, and I definitely have some amount of internalized transphobia that tells me that nobody I am interested in will even accept the presence of my penis, nevermind be willing to try to interact with it in ways that I can find comfortable.  You see, it took most of a year since I began transition to even find some workaround that allowed me to masturbate in a fashion that brough