I can't really believe that in the twenty-first century this still has to be discussed, but here it is.
Trans folk are not predators. If privacy were really such a concern why are bathrooms constructed in the way they are? And, what possible reason is there to single out a person for just trying to relieve themselves for derision, harassment and sometimes violence? I will predominantly use the example of Trans women in this article, because I am one, but I mean no slight on any other Trans folk. They face all the same issues and are thus included.
Lets take each thing in turn. Trans women are not going into the bathroom to attack other women or girls. We are just trying to relieve ourselves. Predatory men do not need to dress as a woman to be a predator, they just find women where they can and attack them. There are no examples in law, anywhere, showing someone dressing as a woman for predatory purposes despite laws for or against allowing people to choose the bathroom that corresponds to their lived gender. It doesn't happen. It is just a scare tactic used by bigoted people to scare accepting people to join in on harassing and suppressing marginalized people. Give the masses fear, and they will do horrible things to fix it.
Next, everyone has been in a public bathroom. Who could ever try to claim privacy in a place like that? The barriers between toilets have gaps above for air circulation and below for ease in cleaning, not to mention the pretty wide gaps between the joints of the panels and the doors. Why is this acceptable if privacy is a concern? It is this way because of cost, for the builder, is lower to only use these nods to privacy and squeeze restrooms into the smallest footprint possible. Since this is the way it is, society has the public using these rooms, it is because people have adapted to the way things are, and as such, people are generally decent and just don't look at other people performing their needs.
This is true for Trans women too, both ways. Your privacy is as secured as if only Cis women shared the room with you, because we Trans women aren't looking. And, if we are pre- or non-op, (meaning we haven't yet gotten or are not looking to get Gender Confirmation Surgery) we are assuredly not 'waving them about'. Our penises are still private parts and only meant to be seen by those who consent to see them. No more or less private than a vagina is.
Finally, what good can public bullying of a person who has to navigate hate, and violence, and marginalization every day of their life, be? What power do you derive from such awfulness? You aren't teaching us anything, but how much of a horrible person you are. You are not protecting others, as already spoken of here. You are doing nothing but hurting an innocent person who doesn't want anything but to use the restroom. Please stop, all you are doing is sowing hate and harm.
What does all this bathroom controversy do to us Trans folk? There is a much higher incidence of UTI's because of holding in our urine rather than going to the restroom as often as we need. There is constant anxiety from wondering which interaction is going to result in yelling, accusations of perversion, hate and maybe even violence. It creates a space where those of us just trying to blend in with other people are under greatest scrutiny and can cause us to be outed to those who don't know our trans- status and therefore can put us in danger from those who would attack us. (yes, many of us try to blend in and hide our trans status. It is not to trick anyone, but to try to allow us the chance of a normal life with at least as low a chance of hate and violence as experienced by others of our same gender and culture and race. For many with other aspects of marginalization, this incidence of violense is still much too high, but less than it would be if they were not also a known trans person. Intersectionality is important and this is my recognition of that.)
As you can see, it hurts us quite a lot.
But, this is a blog mostly about my path and how that may help others. At least, that is my hope. So what does that mean to me? I struggle with this daily. I have caught myself hold off on visiting the restroom until I know I can be safe. This has reached unreasonable limits. Just recently I went to a concert, something that before transition was just a thing to do. Now it involves pre-calculation of either limiting my fluids intake (risking dehydration as one of my meds is a diuretic), looking for gender neutral bathrooms local to the venue (spending extra time and effort I may not have available due to scheduling and wanting to experience the thing I am going to and not something extraneous) and lastly just learning how far I can last without visiting a restroom. This past concert I found out that last possibility is about three hours. Embarrassingly, I couldn't hold it when I finally came home and was trying to disrobe to use the toilet; I wet myself.
I don't like putting this out there, but it needed to be said. This is what the bathroom 'controversy' does to us. It infantilizes us and dehumanizes us.
I often use other women as cover when I need to use the restroom so that I am not scrutinized too much, and so I have some defense against possible bullying. If I don't have that, I try to schedule my visit to when it is least likely to be populated. Finally, if all this isn't possible, I start the 'hold it' calculation. Can I hold it long enough to get to somewhere I feel safe?
I am infantilized because I need company to go to the bathroom, like a child. If I can't find company, I risk a childish accident.
I am dehumanized because my basic human needs are less important than others' feelings.
Can you really blame us for trying to just blend in and be ignored?
To all of you who will wear the 'I'll go with you' pins, thank you very much. It does help, and it is appreciated, but I truly wish I could live in a world where it wasn't necessary. I wish I didn't have to rely on people like you to feel comfortable or safe. It still infantilizes me, though that isn't your intent and I recognize that, but still it is relying on someone to help me do something I, as an adult, should be able to do on my own.
How do we go forward from here?
I am trying to get more comfortable taking what I deserve as a human being; the use of a safe place when out in public to relieve myself.
And I am talking about it and working to change the way it is. I would like that society could be changed to accept that I am a woman and allow me to use the women's room unmolested. That would be a good first step, but truly it would be better to remove gendering of restrooms at all. Remove the strange segregation of people into communal rooms that don't really accomplish any of the purported reasons for why things are done this way. Instead we should create a gender-free restroom with a common wash up area and truly private stalls which would satisfy all people. Especially the non-binary Trans folk who can't find any place that is really theirs currently.
And lastly, for other Trans folk out there; if you need to go, come find me and I will go with you. I don't blend in, but at least that will take the attention off of you? And, safety in numbers.
Trans folk are not predators. If privacy were really such a concern why are bathrooms constructed in the way they are? And, what possible reason is there to single out a person for just trying to relieve themselves for derision, harassment and sometimes violence? I will predominantly use the example of Trans women in this article, because I am one, but I mean no slight on any other Trans folk. They face all the same issues and are thus included.
Lets take each thing in turn. Trans women are not going into the bathroom to attack other women or girls. We are just trying to relieve ourselves. Predatory men do not need to dress as a woman to be a predator, they just find women where they can and attack them. There are no examples in law, anywhere, showing someone dressing as a woman for predatory purposes despite laws for or against allowing people to choose the bathroom that corresponds to their lived gender. It doesn't happen. It is just a scare tactic used by bigoted people to scare accepting people to join in on harassing and suppressing marginalized people. Give the masses fear, and they will do horrible things to fix it.
Next, everyone has been in a public bathroom. Who could ever try to claim privacy in a place like that? The barriers between toilets have gaps above for air circulation and below for ease in cleaning, not to mention the pretty wide gaps between the joints of the panels and the doors. Why is this acceptable if privacy is a concern? It is this way because of cost, for the builder, is lower to only use these nods to privacy and squeeze restrooms into the smallest footprint possible. Since this is the way it is, society has the public using these rooms, it is because people have adapted to the way things are, and as such, people are generally decent and just don't look at other people performing their needs.
This is true for Trans women too, both ways. Your privacy is as secured as if only Cis women shared the room with you, because we Trans women aren't looking. And, if we are pre- or non-op, (meaning we haven't yet gotten or are not looking to get Gender Confirmation Surgery) we are assuredly not 'waving them about'. Our penises are still private parts and only meant to be seen by those who consent to see them. No more or less private than a vagina is.
Finally, what good can public bullying of a person who has to navigate hate, and violence, and marginalization every day of their life, be? What power do you derive from such awfulness? You aren't teaching us anything, but how much of a horrible person you are. You are not protecting others, as already spoken of here. You are doing nothing but hurting an innocent person who doesn't want anything but to use the restroom. Please stop, all you are doing is sowing hate and harm.
What does all this bathroom controversy do to us Trans folk? There is a much higher incidence of UTI's because of holding in our urine rather than going to the restroom as often as we need. There is constant anxiety from wondering which interaction is going to result in yelling, accusations of perversion, hate and maybe even violence. It creates a space where those of us just trying to blend in with other people are under greatest scrutiny and can cause us to be outed to those who don't know our trans- status and therefore can put us in danger from those who would attack us. (yes, many of us try to blend in and hide our trans status. It is not to trick anyone, but to try to allow us the chance of a normal life with at least as low a chance of hate and violence as experienced by others of our same gender and culture and race. For many with other aspects of marginalization, this incidence of violense is still much too high, but less than it would be if they were not also a known trans person. Intersectionality is important and this is my recognition of that.)
As you can see, it hurts us quite a lot.
But, this is a blog mostly about my path and how that may help others. At least, that is my hope. So what does that mean to me? I struggle with this daily. I have caught myself hold off on visiting the restroom until I know I can be safe. This has reached unreasonable limits. Just recently I went to a concert, something that before transition was just a thing to do. Now it involves pre-calculation of either limiting my fluids intake (risking dehydration as one of my meds is a diuretic), looking for gender neutral bathrooms local to the venue (spending extra time and effort I may not have available due to scheduling and wanting to experience the thing I am going to and not something extraneous) and lastly just learning how far I can last without visiting a restroom. This past concert I found out that last possibility is about three hours. Embarrassingly, I couldn't hold it when I finally came home and was trying to disrobe to use the toilet; I wet myself.
I don't like putting this out there, but it needed to be said. This is what the bathroom 'controversy' does to us. It infantilizes us and dehumanizes us.
I often use other women as cover when I need to use the restroom so that I am not scrutinized too much, and so I have some defense against possible bullying. If I don't have that, I try to schedule my visit to when it is least likely to be populated. Finally, if all this isn't possible, I start the 'hold it' calculation. Can I hold it long enough to get to somewhere I feel safe?
I am infantilized because I need company to go to the bathroom, like a child. If I can't find company, I risk a childish accident.
I am dehumanized because my basic human needs are less important than others' feelings.
Can you really blame us for trying to just blend in and be ignored?
To all of you who will wear the 'I'll go with you' pins, thank you very much. It does help, and it is appreciated, but I truly wish I could live in a world where it wasn't necessary. I wish I didn't have to rely on people like you to feel comfortable or safe. It still infantilizes me, though that isn't your intent and I recognize that, but still it is relying on someone to help me do something I, as an adult, should be able to do on my own.
How do we go forward from here?
I am trying to get more comfortable taking what I deserve as a human being; the use of a safe place when out in public to relieve myself.
And I am talking about it and working to change the way it is. I would like that society could be changed to accept that I am a woman and allow me to use the women's room unmolested. That would be a good first step, but truly it would be better to remove gendering of restrooms at all. Remove the strange segregation of people into communal rooms that don't really accomplish any of the purported reasons for why things are done this way. Instead we should create a gender-free restroom with a common wash up area and truly private stalls which would satisfy all people. Especially the non-binary Trans folk who can't find any place that is really theirs currently.
And lastly, for other Trans folk out there; if you need to go, come find me and I will go with you. I don't blend in, but at least that will take the attention off of you? And, safety in numbers.
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