Pronouns

You will often hear people ask, “What are your preferred pronouns?” or variations on that.  Well, I don’t have preferred pronouns.

Does that mean you can use ‘him’ when speaking of me, or ‘they’?  No. 

I don’t have preferred pronouns because there is no choice in the matter.  I am a woman, and therefore, my pronouns are she/her/hers.  For other trans people, their pronouns will be theirs as well; not what they prefer, but what they are, whatever those pronouns would be.

Now, that is not to say that I don’t like to hear my pronouns used.  I get pleasure from people recognizing my gender and referring to me correctly.  Some have talked of ‘gender euphoria’; the feeling of joy when one’s gender is recognized by others or reinforced by expressing one’s gender.  Gender euphoria is often put up as the antithesis of dysphoria.  I get euphoria from others gendering me correctly, and yes it is proper English to say that people prefer to be happy…  but to say that my gender is just a preference says that you don’t think I really *need* to transition.  It’s just a choice.  I could choose to not transition if I wasn’t being ‘coddled’ by the liberals trying to destroy the country… I think you get the point.

When you ask someone for their pronouns, or offer your own, don’t use the word prefer, please.  Ask instead, ‘what are your pronouns?’ or, say of yourself, ‘my pronouns are.’  Cis folks, you want to be good allies?  Introduce yourself with your pronouns and don’t rely on the trans people around you to do so.  You have the privilege of being able to weather the push-back if there is any, so in that way you can help change the culture to recognize that pronouns are not ‘obvious’. 

Because truly, that is what the culture needs to recognize and embrace trans people; a person’s gender, and therefore their pronouns are not, ever, obvious to be seen.  There are many elements to this idea.  Firstly there are the people who are just questioning their gender.  Asking about their pronouns tells them that the questions they have are valid, and that they can and will be asked again so they don’t have to set themselves to a rigid decision right now.  Secondly, there exist people that have not, or cannot, transition for some reason or another.  But, when you ask about their pronouns, you say you care about their struggle and you support them at least in this tiny way.  And, lastly in order but not importance, there are the non-binary folks that cannot be detected in any way from just looking at them.  They have very definite identities that just don’t happen to be noticed in our culture today, and they are valid and true and deserving of respect.  Asking them what their pronouns are is showing that they have, at least a little, of the respect they deserve.

So do it, cis and trans alike; ask a person’s pronouns even when you think it obvious.  Give your pronouns in any meeting, especially when there are ‘no trans people around’.  Be proactive and drive the culture towards acceptance with tiny, easy steps: pronouns.

What of the trans people that say ‘it doesn’t matter’ or ‘whatever you want to call me’?

Well, not all trans people experience dysphoria.  Of those that do, maybe pronouns don’t trigger dysphoria for them, or maybe they haven’t yet determined what pronouns most accurately represent themselves.  Or, depending on who is asking, and how confident in their transition they are, they may be just trying to ensure that they are not alienating the person asking.  If family proves resistant to using the proper gender pronouns but are being ‘supportive enough’, many trans people won’t push the issue *preferring* to endure the mild injury to our mental health from being misgendered by our loved ones, since we are still able to transition with some amount of help from those loved ones.

I am not saying that it never actually means ‘it doesn’t matter’.  I am just saying, more often than not, it really does matter and how you handle that is how we know you are a real ally or not.  Do you just brush past the assertion, never looking back or offering comfort?  Or, do you act like an actual ally?

What should you do when you encounter someone like this?  How do you be a good ally?  First, if they say what their pronouns are, use them.  It doesn’t matter if they say, ‘but I will accept anything.’  Use what they say they are.  If they don’t express what their pronouns are, clearly state that they are safe to express themselves with you, and when they are ready or able to tell you what their pronouns are you willing to do what they think will validate them.  Then, follow through.  Be conscientious about using whatever pronouns they offer as theirs.

If you slip up, apologize briefly and clearly, and go on.  Don’t dwell on it, or make too much of a deal over it.  Continuing to try to get forgiveness for a simple mistake causes much more disruption and mental trauma than the brief mistake in the first place.  It also attracts attention to our trans status.  Uninvolved parties to the conversation could be attracted by the hoopla of your trying to get forgiveness for a tiny mistake and bring them into where they aren’t wanted. 

A transphobe could see this, and react with derision and mockery about the ‘special snowflake’ who needs their feelings assuaged for their delusion… again you get the point.  It was a tiny transgression and only deserves the briefest of notice.  All trans people can recognize when the misgendering is mistake or purposeful.  A mistake can be forgiven and quickly gone past, purposeful misgendering will accept no forgiveness.

In conclusion, pronouns are not a preference but a declaration of a person’s self.  As such, respecting those pronouns is imperative for showing respect for another human being.  So, ask for pronouns and give them without prompting and we can make this a better world for all of us, cis and trans alike.