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Touch, Sex and Distancing

I have stated before, I am sure, that touch is one of my primary love languages. It took me time to figure it out, decades, because for decades I avoided contact with people. I was very physically distant from people because I was afraid they wouldn't accept me. I couldn't let people in enough, except in rare cases, to be comfortable sharing physical space for touch, cuddling and sex.

Then I transitioned, came out of every closet ever, and began living genuinely.

With that, I began making good connections that I was able to accept touch and cuddles. (Sex is still a little issue... soon to be very relevant to this note.). I love to hug y'all at munches and meetups. I love cuddling with my closest friends and metamours when we can. I love when talking and someone leans against me. I definitely enjoy a good cuddle pile.

Then C19 hit.

'I should be fine', I thought. I survived decades without people around me. Just fall back on your old ways. Which worked... for about a week. Now I just feel anxious, a little numb, and really really want cuddles almost constantly.

What prompted this post, though? A tweet I saw recently. It said the tweeter wanted an orgy as soon as distancing was past.

My immediate thought was, "Go girl! You do you, but not for me." I am not that person. I am not one for that type of situation, because I don't know enough people with a strong enough connection for me to be comfortable being involved in an orgy.

But, then I thought about it... and I really see the appeal, even for me.

I have been having a time trying to figure out my sexuality, recently. It has caused me a bit of mental disturbance and lost sleep and soul searching. I wondered for a bit if I had been asexual all my life and just didn't examine that suitably because our culture is allo-normative. But no, I am not asexual spectrum, I am pretty sure. Post transition (and continuing still to some extent) I am just body negative towards myself, because I don't fit my ideal for myself; I am not me. And that is keeping me from accepting and allowing sexual thought or desire. If I think I am misshapen, or ugly, or just wrong; how can anyone else not feel the same way about me. I know how toxic and disgusting that is. Internalized cis-normativity makes it hard to believe trans bodies are beautiful too about yourself. Other trans folx I have no problem seeing their beauty and attractiveness whatever they look like -trans is beautiful!- but not for me. And so, I have had no desire to reach out and seek people to explore sexuality with. I keep crushes from ever knowing that I was crushing, I don't seek deepening friendships without the friend advancing the idea, and I don't talk to friends about what any play could look like for me.

At least till now.

Being unable, sure focuses your mind on a thing. Because I can't explore sex with close friends, I have really really wondered how great it could be. And I WANT to explore this. I want to know what sharing sexual touch with friends could be like.

Will I ever do that? I can't say never, but I can't see the path to it. Lots of hurdles in my way. But I can wonder. And maybe through talking about it, others could share that piece of info that opens it up for me. What helped them find their path to openness; will it aid me?

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