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Touch Starved, Low Self-Esteem and Boundaries sometimes don't mix well.


I love physical touch, it is one of my love languages. I "know" you care about me when you touch me and let me touch you. This is not just a lovers thing either, any close enough friends are someone I would love to be touched by.
Arms around a shoulder, hugs on meeting (or just because), rest your head on my shoulder or chest, lean on me, sprawl over me... Anything.
But, I have trauma in my past. A man took touch from me without my permission, and twisted it into imprisonment and coercion to further violence. So to keep myself safe, I need to hold people away until I know them well enough. Till I can feel their touch and not his.
I know I deserve to feel safe, and my feelings for my safety are valid. But...
I have really low self-esteem. I don't actually believe what I know all the time. I value another's desire as more important than my needs. If someone I consider friends enough to, for instance, friend on social media like here on FetLife, I have a hard time enforcing my boundaries.
One of which is, I am not a casual kisser. That peck on the cheek during the hug I welcomed panics me. On many levels, I don't think what to do with it. I will, and often do, freeze. I want to say, politely, "I would prefer you not do that please.". But then I get lost in my head...
What if you take that as me not wanting to be friends? What if you feel like you hurt me and avoid ever touching me again? Most people think that's innocent, and probably is, don't be so sensitive Ginny. Never mind the belief that I am not worthy of being cared about, so definitely don't think that that kiss was anything but a little social nothing, Ginny.
And I just smile and wait for a moment to leave or a distraction to start a conversation about something else.
And it doesn't change, because I didn't speak.
That isn't fair to anybody.
So, please. Ask to kiss someone first, and expect the answer to be no, at least from me. So when it is "yes" you can feel good about it too.

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