Skip to main content

Touch Starved, Low Self-Esteem and Boundaries sometimes don't mix well.


I love physical touch, it is one of my love languages. I "know" you care about me when you touch me and let me touch you. This is not just a lovers thing either, any close enough friends are someone I would love to be touched by.
Arms around a shoulder, hugs on meeting (or just because), rest your head on my shoulder or chest, lean on me, sprawl over me... Anything.
But, I have trauma in my past. A man took touch from me without my permission, and twisted it into imprisonment and coercion to further violence. So to keep myself safe, I need to hold people away until I know them well enough. Till I can feel their touch and not his.
I know I deserve to feel safe, and my feelings for my safety are valid. But...
I have really low self-esteem. I don't actually believe what I know all the time. I value another's desire as more important than my needs. If someone I consider friends enough to, for instance, friend on social media like here on FetLife, I have a hard time enforcing my boundaries.
One of which is, I am not a casual kisser. That peck on the cheek during the hug I welcomed panics me. On many levels, I don't think what to do with it. I will, and often do, freeze. I want to say, politely, "I would prefer you not do that please.". But then I get lost in my head...
What if you take that as me not wanting to be friends? What if you feel like you hurt me and avoid ever touching me again? Most people think that's innocent, and probably is, don't be so sensitive Ginny. Never mind the belief that I am not worthy of being cared about, so definitely don't think that that kiss was anything but a little social nothing, Ginny.
And I just smile and wait for a moment to leave or a distraction to start a conversation about something else.
And it doesn't change, because I didn't speak.
That isn't fair to anybody.
So, please. Ask to kiss someone first, and expect the answer to be no, at least from me. So when it is "yes" you can feel good about it too.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sex while Trans and Lesbian

This one is going to be a rollercoaster, and probably not a fun one?  I don’t even know what to title it.  What I used is probably inadequate. CW: Sex talk, Sex while Trans, Maybe some internalized Transphobia, GCS, anatomy So, I had an absolutely amazing sexual encounter.  I really would love to experience something like that again.  I mean, holy shit…  But now I hate the existence of my penis even more than I have for quite a while. Let me explain. I have been actively afraid of creating connections with women because I was absolutely terrified of how I expected sex to go.  I have quite a bit of genital dysphoria, and I definitely have some amount of internalized transphobia that tells me that nobody I am interested in will even accept the presence of my penis, nevermind be willing to try to interact with it in ways that I can find comfortable.  You see, it took most of a year since I began transition to even find some workaround that allowed me to m...
Post a Comment
Read more

Winter, a story

I was listening to a streaming service and I heard a song one day.  "Winter" by Tori Amos.  And as I was listening, something just struck me. It really got me in the feels, ya know? Well, after I stopped crying, I began writing this story in my head.  This story is kind of autobiographical.  That means that it evokes many things I have felt throughout certain phases in my life. It encompasses some things I wished had happened. And it uses tiny snippets of what did happen in a way little different than it did. Tori Amos' song is not about transition, nor is it in any way about my life.  But, many of the words and phrases do dovetail into my life experience very well when I listen to it. I hope she forgives me it's use for this. Without further ado, my story:  Winter. Winter : A child runs down the staircase, lit from the sun glistening on the fresh falls of snow outside.  It is a cold morning, but there are too many things to see; ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Introduction

Well, here we are four posts in and I have not yet put up an introduction to the blog.   Those who know me, probably know that this is pretty typical.   But, enough about that, let’s get to the intro. What do I intend with my blog?   I am firstly trying to take the jumble of thoughts that transition has created and try to impose some kind of order.   The many new experiences I am creating for myself as I try to navigate my gender need a place to be put and ruminated over and fitted into my new self.   It is through this cataloging and thinking over of new experiences and thoughts that I can find some control over where my transition is going. Second, I want to help other trans folk, especially those who are young and new to realizing they are or might be transgender.   I spent a very long time resisting the idea that I was transgender, and avoiding thinking about what I had to do to finally be happy and live.   I took so long to come to ...
Post a Comment
Read more