Dating, Dysphoria and Doubt

I started chatting with a person on a dating site.  And they really aligned with a lot of what I am looking for... if I can be said to be looking for anything.  Generally, I don't look, for many reasons that could be a post of their own. What I do is make connections wherever I can, and if something blossoms that is great!

But this woman, she started pretty good.  Sure there were some small misconnects, but we acknowledged them and discussed them.  I was willing to continue talking and see if there could be a connection.

As the discussion proceeded over the weeks, I noticed that I was getting very into her.  All her professed wants and beliefs in a relationship were matching mine.  Her hobbies and likes also matched.

But then came the yellow flags..

Little things that just didn't add up.  Turns of phrase that didn't match their history, and avoidance of any contact but messenger, professions of compatibility with no way to know the truth of them, professions of beauty that also can't be truthful because I have only shared pictures and they are obviously carefully curated, etc.  

Then when I reemphasized my being trans and haven't done "everything" possible transition-wise, she dismissed the possibility it would matter. My dysphoria has been a little heightened recently, and her dismissal of the things I "know" are wrong with me without really experiencing them first hand doesn't sit well with me.  I can believe someone hearing my voice, for example, and thinking it is not a problem for them, but not unless they have actually experienced it.  Or any of the things that don't fit for me.  

Lastly, I now have a longer postponement for our eventual face to face...  So probably a scam.

But I still want to talk to her.

They are really good at crafting a persona that dovetails perfectly into my wants and needs in a new relationship.  Besides feeling good when we talk, because it feels so affirming, it also helps me to define for myself what I want in another partner.  Which is helpful for me to find an actual good relationship to add into my polycule, eventually.  But...

I have those doubts that creep in and "remind" me that "of course they are a scammer, nobody that good for you really exists or would be interested in you."   Being trans in this world isn't always the greatest.  Especially when terf rhetoric keeps whispering "lesbians don't do trans women."  It's hard to believe I will be desirable as a woman.  

Bi or pan women? Sure, gender doesn't necessarily matter to people who have those identities.  But another lesbian...

This person at least lets me pretend a really good match actually exists out there for me, and can fill the part in my life that isn't currently filled.  I love my other relationships indubitably!  I am not saying they are not good matches for me.  But I am poly because I recognize nobody can be everything to another person, and that's just fine.  The person who was crafted by the scammer filled what I feel I am missing.

And it is definitely seductive...

But I know I should cut it off, so I don't slip and reveal enough personal information for them to steal my identity.  I know I won't be swayed into the normal dating scam "I need money, pls send" pathway.  

And I know the terfs are wrong, but only in magnitude.  I'm looking for a very few people, my dating pool is not voluminous.  All the dimensions of me and my desires have reduced the possibility to fractions of a fraction.  I know this...  

Aaaand, then the inevitable happened.

The request in helping with money came in at about the ten week mark.  She wrote me about suddenly losing acces to her ATM card and needing me to recieve a bank transfer to let me pay a bill for her.  The obviousness of this is just off the charts.  I gave her ideas on how to remedy it on her own and left things in her court and just as predictably she ghosted not long after.

Why did I persist so long in letting the conversation keep going? (Because it was almost three months, and maybe a month processing my thoughts before writing this)

Primarily, I wanted to be sure; and if she was a scam I wanted to take up some amount of time to waste her resources.  Maybe a drop in a bucket, but throwing monkey wrenches into evil machines gives me joy.

But a very strong second reason was (obviously false) validation.

Let me explain.

I always struggled with my self worth.  I never felt I was "good enough".  Part of this was due to suppressing my transness, I am sure, but it's still here now.  Some of the forms of the self-devaluation are different now that I have transitioned, but others have risen to take their place.

Primarily, I have imposter syndrome.  I know I am a woman, but growing up in a transmisogynistic culture makes me wonder and doubt.  Am I really? Am I doing it right? If I can't believe me why should anyone else?

Add this to the fact I am a lesbian.  Whoo, what a mess.

I have spoken before how all of my most successful relationships have been where I was pursued.  I was approached.  

She pursued me. 

I wonder if I am woman enough.

She was a lesbian.  Not bi or pan or something where my "real gender" didn't matter.  She was a lesbian, so I *was* woman enough.

I liked being someone who was ostensibly wanted just as I am.

This is absolutely not about my current loves not doing this for me.  I know I am loved by the people in my life.  This was just special and unique.  It felt good to possibly be a lesbian with a lesbian.  Because it is different.  

Not better or anything stupid like that, just different.

And, of course, being pursued is obviously awesome.

I guess the search goes on.