Sex while Trans and Lesbian

This one is going to be a rollercoaster, and probably not a fun one?  I don’t even know what to title it.  What I used is probably inadequate.

CW: Sex talk, Sex while Trans, Maybe some internalized Transphobia, GCS, anatomy

So, I had an absolutely amazing sexual encounter.  I really would love to experience something like that again.  I mean, holy shit…  But now I hate the existence of my penis even more than I have for quite a while.

Let me explain.

I have been actively afraid of creating connections with women because I was absolutely terrified of how I expected sex to go.  I have quite a bit of genital dysphoria, and I definitely have some amount of internalized transphobia that tells me that nobody I am interested in will even accept the presence of my penis, nevermind be willing to try to interact with it in ways that I can find comfortable.  You see, it took most of a year since I began transition to even find some workaround that allowed me to masturbate in a fashion that brought me any pleasure at all, nevermind orgasm.  That absolutely awkward sentence is nothing compared to the awkwardness of trying to be a happily sexual being, confident and happy with oneself when, like me, your genitals don’t match what you know in your soul should have been there all along.

But, I am mostly allosexual. (I think? not the point today.)  I like sex.  I want sex.  I need some sexual connection to be truly happy, and so I have been looking for people to connect with and explore with while dreading just that.  Because, what if I find a connection, but she just can’t get past my parts.

Well, I found a connection with someone, and they figured out a way to interact with my parts that got me out of my head, and well, it was so fuking good!

Buuut…

I can only wonder how much better it would have been if there didn’t have to be a workaround and play-pretend.  What if I just had a vagina and clitoris?  What if I could just accept the idea that someone I loved and trusted could go down on me and I didn’t have to wonder; “but what if it is too much like a blow job” and I freak out.

(and yeah, I’m sure the possibility of that last statement is going to scare off so many other possible partners for play or relationship, because who wants that shit show in their life? That’s the internalized transphobia again.  ‘I’m too much trouble because I am trans and nobody should have to deal with my issues’; ‘nobody could care enough about me to want to deal with something about me.’)

This time, I got out of my head because everything felt like it should, it felt like someone going down on my vagina and stimulating my clitoris, and I was able to just lose myself in the pleasure and be.  And I want it again.  I want the ‘being unable to focus my eyes when I could get them to not be rolled back in my head’.  I want the ‘being unable to move afterwards for minutes on end because I just wasn’t back from space yet’.  I want the giggles and the gasps and the screams and the saying a breathy ‘oh, fuck’.

But most of all, I really wish I could just smile and say “fuck yes!” when any of my partners looks at me and she says, “May I go down on you?”

But I can’t, because I have a penis.

There are trans women that have a penis and like it.  They are happy with their equipment.  Some of them are lesbians and have girlfriends and/or wives who like it too.  While I absolutely love and respect them and I will fight anyone who tries to say they aren’t valid; that is not me.  I will never feel whole, or right, or desirable, or pretty, or worthy of a lesbian girlfriend until my penis is gone.  

I need props that help me pretend, I can’t just be.

And I don’t like that.